lately i haven’t been writing. and that bothers me. i feel like i’ve locked the myriad of emotion and frustration i went through this semester inside a vault within my head and my heart and i’m too proud to let it go.
why do i have a blog, then?
i made this thing so that i would force myself to write and be reflexive, because that’s really the only way i know to work out the insanity of my life and the ridiculousness of my thoughts. yet here i am. posting my first original thought since september.
ugh.
i’m going to start writing again. i need to.
the end.
it’s amazing what happens when you let God control your life. lately he seems to want to shake every sense of comfort i have to teach me that he is my only comfort. solace is found in nothing other than his word and his faithfulness. i know this. i know these things. i have the truth ingrained in my head and in my heart, yet i can’t seem to stop myself from feeling hapless. like my life is turning into one giant fracaso.
i feel so frustrated, so out of control. my joy and my peace seem to be dwindling along with my patience. things are changing rapidly, faster than i could have imagined. who would have thought that two days after my house was vacated, my sense of being home vanished when i pulled up to my abandoned home? who would have thought that after months of doing well and feeling secure, two weeks could change everything with troy?
i never expected to have an easy time adjusting to school. i never expected to feel at home within two weeks. but i also never expected my universe to come crashing down with such alacrity.
God has a plan for me, a plan for this chaos. i just haven’t quite figured it out just yet.
1 peter 5:10
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.
this summer has been all about lasts. the last time i’ll see certain friends, the last time i’ll do certain things, the last time i’ll be go certain places.
today i said goodbye to my best friend and watched her pull out of my driveway for the last time. this is the last friday night i will spend in my home.
i HATE this.
i feel so terrified of the change that’s coming. i can’t bring myself to realize that i only have six more days left. six days… i’ll blink, and it’ll all be over, be different, be new. AH! i’m just not ready.
the spanish word for goodbye is “adios”, which can be broken up into the words “a” (to) and “dios” (God). so really, when you say goodbye in spanish, you’re really saying “to God”. how beautiful. something as intimidating as saying goodbye doesn’t seem so scary when you’re giving the situation to God. adios. maybe it’s not so bad.
You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everybody. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.
4 Ciertamente él cargó con nuestras enfermedades
y soportó nuestros dolores,
pero nosotros lo consideramos herido,
golpeado por Dios, y humillado.
5 Él fue traspasado por nuestras rebeliones,
y molido por nuestras iniquidades;
sobre él recayó el castigo, precio de nuestra *paz,
y gracias a sus heridas fuimos sanados.
6 Todos andábamos perdidos, como ovejas;
cada uno seguía su propio *camino,
pero el Señor hizo recaer sobre él
la iniquidad de todos nosotros.
la cruz. la salvacíon para siempre :) no merecemos lo que nos ha dado.
“Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.”
-Hamlet
i am such a creature of habit. whenever things get hard or stressful or out of control, my instinct is to run away from God. somehow, despite all i know and love about him, i think that hiding from him and pretending that he can’t see me actually works. instead, as i turn away from my God, i lose touch with all reality. i get wrapped up in a world of worry and anger and fear, and i fall. and i never fall gracefully. satan’s grasp on my heart can be so fierce sometimes— i find myself believing i’m worthless and hopeless and foresaken.
yet God is so good. even when i’m running away from him, he touches the people in my life to show me that he cares. he softens hearts, answers prayers, changes lives. i’m so fickle to think that God can’t fix the problems of my life.
thank God, this week, for softening hearts.
i’m feeling incredibly nostalgic and incredibly sad. i feel like i’m being pushed off this giant cliff and i’m just falling, falling, falling into this whole new world of stuff that i’m not sure i’m ready for. i’m scared that i’m not making the right decisions or doing the right things, but i’m still wondering if there really is a right or wrong. i’m really starting to doubt myself. and i hate it.
oh, how crazy it feels to be leaving everything i know. how profoundly terrifying, exciting, and intimidating.
i pray to God that i’m ready, that i’ll be okay.
i submitted my acceptance stuff to miami today. how strange! now i have to start picking a dorm, a meal plan, lining up my future. it feels so surreal.
i feel like i’m numb to this whole process; i guess it’ll become real when i finally have to leave and start living the decisions i’ve been making this year.
i’ve been working up to this point my whole life. i’ve been involved at school, gotten good grades, and landed an internship. for the past four or five years, i’ve been on a path, a mission. now… i’m not really sure what i want. or what i want to be.
i’m excited to move on from some things, but terrified to leave others. i guess it’s all part of the process, though.
God will help me through this. i just need to trust.
“therefore, do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” - Philippians 4:6-8
estoy nerviosa para el próximo año. no puedo dejar de pensar en todo que ha pasado en mis años en el colegio. he amado la escuela. me encanta mis amigos y lo que hago todos los días… pero pienso que soy lista para un cambio.
no quiero cambiar todo en mi vida. no quiero cambiar cosas con troy y mis mejores amigos aquí. no quiero dejar young life. no quiero empezar otra vez. me gusta mi vida.
pero, cosas van a cambiar muy rapídamente en los próximos meses. estaré muy triste cuando necesito salir. quiero decir que voy a ser completamente emocionada para una nueva aventura en la universidad, pero tengo miedo de ir a miami sin un amigo. no sé si quiero hacer young life en la universidad. por eso, yo sé que tendré Jesús y el es todo que necesito.
As virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say,
“Now his breath goes,” and some say, “No.”
So let us melt, and make no noise,
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move ;
‘Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity our love.
Moving of th’ earth brings harms and fears ;
Men reckon what it did, and meant ;
But trepidation of the spheres,
Though greater far, is innocent.
Dull sublunary lovers’ love
—Whose soul is sense—cannot admit
Of absence, ‘cause it doth remove
The thing which elemented it.
But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.
Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.
If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix’d foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th’ other do.
And though it in the centre sit,
Yet, when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.
Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th’ other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.
